My husband is going through a Midlife Crisis……or is it Mid Life Transitional Growth????
My husband is forty-seven years young. Like most American males, he loves cars, motorcycles and power tools. In fact he owned an antique car since he was sixteen until last year when he finally donated it to charity. We dated in that car and it followed us through 4 states, and 6 moves, so it was difficult for him to let go. But that was one of the criteria for obtaining a motorcycle. We needed to make room for it, so the ’55 Ford moved on to a new loving home to make room for a new love.
Even though the antique car was gone, I was less than enthusiastic about purchasing a motorcycle, and even less enthusiastic about him riding one! But it was inevitable. Now there is a Cherry Red Honda Shadow in our garage and he spent a weekend at an ABATE class learning how to ride safely and he passed the motorcycle license test.
Mark knows my fears about riding motorcycles. When I was young I had a neighbor who was severely burned in a motorcycle accident, there was a motorcycle accident right in front of my house during this same time period and my father hit a deer with a motorcycle, fortunately only breaking a few ribs. I have a belief that motorcycles are not safe and that you get hurt riding motorcycles. Even though Mark has promised to wear a helmet, drive only on back roads and take all safety precautions, this belief has bled into my attitude and behavior towards his new love.
Although I knew consciously what my issues were---I didn’t know how to directly overcome them and I admit I made my feelings known on a continuous basis. It didn’t really strike me until one night after his safety training course, when Mark said “I need you to support me in this.”
This caught my attention like a lightening bolt and I thought, “are you crazy—you know how I feel about this---what kind of support do you want?”
My coaching brain went quickly into gear and I asked “ What does support look like to you?”
He answered, “Don’t criticize or be negative.”
I felt like I’d been smacked in the face---“what, me critical and negative?” But I knew exactly what he was talking about.
Here I am a personal coach, helping people realize that they need to stop fighting and resisting what they don’t want and embrace more of what they do want----while I’m not doing that at all. I don’t want him riding a motorcyle because I don’t think they are safe and I’m afraid of losing him or of him being hurt. If I practice what I preach, I would stop focusing on this and instead focus on what I do want. I want my husband to be happy, fulfilled, healthy and safe. So instead of being critical and negative about his choices, I need to embrace them and focus on the achievement he will feel, the fulfillment it will give him, the alternative activities that will enable him to have a balanced life rather than one driven only by work, the focus he has on safety and in successfully completing the learning process with safety always in the forefront. I think I can do that. In fact, I’m thinking I can even agree to ride on the back through the neighborhood. We’ll work on longer rides, baby steps. Now, if I can only keep my sanity about his desire to get a pilots license!
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2 comments:
I have found in my own life that one of the great measures of growth and personal freedom comes when I am able to face my worse fears and walk through the door to a new behavior that allows me to "let go" of that which I can't control anyway. Nice work, Lynn.
Jim Struck, Leadership Vision, LLC
Lynn,
Thank you for "owning" your head trash and being willing to share your experience with the rest of us! I think the best lessons are often learned from the "subject matter expert's" willingness to expose their own weakness and how they managed to "take out the trash". As a fellow safe rider, tell Mark to "keep the shiny side up" and enjoy those rides around your neighborhood!
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