“Are you listening to me?” How many times have we been asked this question? If you are like me and the vast majority of other people, you’ve been asked this or some semblance of it more than several times during the course of your adult life. We all want to be heard. We all want people to listen to US when we’re speaking, but how much effort do WE put into listening to OTHERS?
I read an article that stated we only hear (understand or comprehend) 25% - 50% of what is said to us. That means we discount or ignore the remaining 50% - 75%. How do we go about listening to others? How do we go about having our audience listen to us?
1. We have only one mouth and two ears. We should be doing twice as much listening as talking. I’d like to take credit for that, but everyone reading this would know I was being more than dishonest if I said that was my original thought. The first step to perfecting the art of listening is closing your mouth and opening your ears. Sounds pretty simple, doesn’t it?
2. When appropriate, paraphrase what is being said. This may be a little tougher to learn to do because if it’s done in excess, you may appear to be patronizing the person with whom you're having a conversation. Being able to paraphrase only what is important is a fine talent to hone. It also ensures that you're on the same page!
3. Lean in to listen. Body language says an awful lot. If you’re leaning back in your seat, slumped over, eyes gazing everywhere but on your conversation partner(s), it’s obvious you are not listening. Don’t invade the other person’s space but lean in a bit and and maintain eye contact.
4. Nod now and then or give some signal of recognition. This simply lets the other person know that you are paying attention. It indicates a level of engagement that isn’t over the top.
5. Keep in mind that with the vast amount of knowledge you hold, the person with whom you are speaking has a vast amount of knowledge as well. Deep down, we’re all looking out for ourselves…what can you gain from the other person? If you are only half listening, you’re missing out on valuable insights. Don't focus on your response, instead, really listen to them.
6. Slow down. Think before you speak. Think before you act.
7. Ask others if they believe you are a good listener. Find out why they do or do not believe you are a good listener. Be prepared to be knocked back on your hind end if you believe you are a good listener, though. If, or when, someone shares with you that you could use some improvement, LISTEN to the feedback.
8. Ask questions when appropriate. If you’re confused about something, you appear far more engaged if you politely ask questions to clarify. This will save face in the long run in many ways.
9. Be patient. Allow the other person to complete her thoughts. So often we believe that we can complete the thoughts for the other person. Not only is this rude, it can be hurtful to the other person.
10. Find someone to help teach you to listen. Monet picked up a brush and started creating wonderful works of art, but I’d be hard pressed to believe that he never stepped into a classroom to learn a bit about technique. Even the greatest artists had lessons from someone.
All of us are born with innate talents and gifts. Unfortunately, the vast majority cannot count listening as one of our talents without hard work and a dedication to being a better listener. When in doubt, think back to the anatomy of your head… two ears, one mouth.
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Remember to spend some quality time on you!
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